No Freakin' Way

I can't believe it! I pulled an all-nighter Thursday last week to finish this mammoth 10 page paper for my Early American Literature class, and got it back today with a Big Fat A on it! Whoever said that you can't procrastinate and succeed in college need only to look no further than me baby!

Hell Week has Arrived

Well, I had a 10 page paper due last Friday, and that was only the beginning of my end of the semester suffering. I'm sure I'm not the only one, as Queen and David Bowie once so eloquently put it, under pressure, but god damn this week makes me want to rip through a whole carton of smokes in about a day!

No Shit Sherlock

Here's some interesting, but long-known news from NORML.org:

"Marijuana smokers appear to be at a significantly lower risk of developing cancer than tobacco smokers, according to an article by Amanda Chen et al. published in the Journal of Psychoactive Drugs (Sept, 2008).

The authors analyzed existing evidence on the carcinogenicity of marijuana smoke. Although it has long been hypothesized that marijuana smoke might cause cancer because it contains tars with known carcinogenic properties, like tobacco smoke, the authors note that epidemiological studies have so far failed to show a convincing causal relation between marijuana and smoking-related cancers."

So marijuana is illegal while cigarettes are sold everywhere because....................

Maybe someone can help me out on this one?

Jack White can predict the future

In contemplating the recent calamity revolving around Michigan's big Three automaker's plea for $34 million in bailout money, I turn your attention to the brilliantly observant lyrics of Jack White's composition for his band, The White Stripes, entitled "The Big Three Killed My Baby", which was released by the way in 1999! Check out the lyrics:

the big three killed my baby
no money in my hand again
the big three killed my baby
nobodys coming home again

their ideas make me wanna spit
a hundred dollars goes down the pit
thirty-thousand wheels a rollin
and my stick shift hands are swollen
everything involved is shady
the big three killed my baby yeah yeah yeah

the big three killed my baby
no money in my hand again
the big three killed my baby
nobodys comin home again

why dont cha take the day off and try to repair
a billion others don't seem to care
better ideas are stuck in the mud
the motor's runnin on tucker's blood
dont let 'em tell you the future's electric
cuz gasoline not measured in metric
thirty-thousand wheels a spinnin
and oil company faces are grinnin
and now my hand are turnin red
and i found out my baby is dead yeah yeah yeah

the big three killed my baby
no money in my hand again
the big three killed my baby
nobody's comin home again

well i've said it now
nothings changed
people are burnin for pocket change
and creative minds are lazy
and the big three killed my baby yeah yeah yeah
and my baby's my common sense
so dont feed me planned obsolescence
and my baby's my common sense

Plaxico Misunderstood? I Don't think so!

Well here's MSU footballer doing his alma-mater proud. Just like Charles Rogers ill-fated career with the Lions. former MSU wideout Plaxico Burress seems to be headed down the same path to ruin. Only his case provides numerous more opportunities for humor.

Shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub? Who saw that coming? When it's your job to use your legs to score touchdowns, it's probably not a good idea to carry a loaded handgun in your pants (sweatpants in this case) with the saftey off. Aside from all the legal problems this presents for Mr. Burress, there is the issue of pride,which is not readily apparent in the features of a man who has comitted so stupid of an offence.

A Wag of my Finger to........

My friends, who feel it nessecary to roll the dice on Satan's craps table a little too often for my taste. I got a call this morning from my roomate's mother (she lives in Detroit by the way), sobbing hysterically trying to find out why the Kent County Sherrif's Department had called her telling her that her son had been arrested and was being held in the County Jail. The questions flew at me like machine gun fire: "Where was he last night?" "What was he doing?" "Who was he with?" Not only did I lack the answers to all these questions, I had an intense desire to aquire them myself.

Later on that day I would discover that my roomate had been arrested the night before for OWI, and I think we all know what that means. That would make four of my close friends now who have drunk-driving charges. Now I know what you're going to say, probably something like "you should get yourself some better friends". And I also know what I'm going to say back, probably something like "Fuck off you judgemental prick". In saying that, I'm not condoning drunk driving; in fact I oppose it heavily, and have never been able to understand why anyone would want to risk ruining a perfectly good drunk by wrapping their car around a tree, killing an innocent bystander, or getting aressted and going to jail. Perhaps these friends of mine know some secret allure of drunk driving that I don't, but that's a secret I think I could wait my whole life and then some to find out.

I love alcohol, but lord knows it doesn't mix with driving. I know we all have friends who have made poor decisions, but who hasn't? I guess in the end you can only hope they've learned their lesson, but just to make sure, a little friendly reminder once in a while never hurt anyone. The next one of my friends stupidly tries to get in their car drunk, I'll simply take their keys and lock them in my bathroom for 12 hours, maybe slide a few pieces of bread and a dish of water under the door. It'll be just like jail, only I will have saved them a $100 bail and a nice ride downtown on the stiff plastic backseat of a cop cruiser.

Everybody Wants their 15 minutes of fame, but some lucky stiffs get 20

Remember Joe the Plumber? Seems so long ago that he was basking in the limelight of the 2008 Presidential Election, captivating the media with his apparent relation to all things "average", and "American". What happened to him since then you ask? He seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth. I thought so, that is until I saw today a commercial that went like this:

"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, has partnered with VelocityStore.com to help you with the transition from Analog-to-Digital television. Check back often for new videos from Joe where he'll not only show you how to set up your DTV converter, but he'll also explain the public safety benefits the transition provides to all Americans. " http://www.velocitystore.com/?lang=en&PHPSESSID=5a0f1seapevc7illv3qrpn1c17&page=media

Who better to tell who about the Analog-to-Digital conversion than a plumber, and probably a mediocre one at that? Sure, the cable-guy's got the training, but who can relate to him? All those average American's out there, five beers down on a Joe-Six-Pack, are gonna want some one they know and trust to inform them about our nation's television transformation, someone that is just like them in so many ways--a short-sighted, close-minded, imbecile who voluntarily surrendered his dignity and his humanity to the media so they could mold his image into any perverted sense of America they wanted to, and all for a measly 15 minutes of fame.

But now we have a situation which points to a failure on the part of Joe the Plumber. Joe obviously thinks he's going to ride this brief wave of stardom until it dies, then hop off of it and be completely fine, but if you ask me, I'll bet he already spent the money he's squeezed out of it and then some, probably in some back alley poker game with a table full of less-than-reputable characters. He seems like that kind of a guy, you know, average. If he has one hope, it's that one night, when the liquor is flowing and the stakes are high, he hits a straight flush with some wiseguy all in big with four kings. And the best part is, he won't have to worry about that money qualifying him to be taxed under Obama's $250,oo0 plus income plan.